you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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