Soap is not a condiment
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
