So drunk, too bad you don't want this
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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