First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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