Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
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Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
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My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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