My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
