i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
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It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
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I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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