What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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