Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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