I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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