So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
