You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
