If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
