I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize