I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
