Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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