oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
