My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have fence marks all over my body
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
