my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
