I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
