I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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