No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
