I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
