I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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