3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
