how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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