can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Come on in and take your pants off
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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