She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
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