You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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