Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
