the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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