I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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