her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
