god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
