dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
