You just made me feel so damn special
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
