My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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