And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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