Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
