Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
