My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
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Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
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I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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