I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
