I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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