Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN