i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
