So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
