I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
