im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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