I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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