Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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