Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
