"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
