I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
