you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
